Why A Blog?

Ebonee

My entire life, I wanted a platform so that I could be me! I’ve always felt that sites such as Facebook aren’t the best places to do so. There always seems to be a rebuttal when someone posts an opinion, not to mention many of the posts there are negative to begin with. Why not YouTube you wonder? Just let me be real. I refuse to get cute EVERYDAY just to sit in front of a camera. Works for some, but I honestly don’t have that much dedication. My life has come with many obstacles that have made me the woman I am today. Just because I don’t air my issues, doesn’t mean I don’t have any. I bleed like you. My life timeline has changed drastically over the last decade::

  • High school
  • College
  • Working
  • Boyfriends
  • Texas
  • Marriage

Hmmm.. Where do I start? Oh yeah….. Marriage♂♀

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I was telling Brandon not too long ago, that I felt like I was losing myself. Not in a bad way, but in a way that I knew I was no longer doing things that I desired to do.

I love reading, writing poetry, hanging out with people and just really having that time for myself.  My love for poetry was taken away from me 3 relationships ago, and I just never had that desire to write again , until I wrote “poisons of a woman’s mouth. Again, I didn’t officially lose myself in this relationship, it started long before. I just think that now I want to find myself again without completely giving up on him.

A lot of times, as women, we tend to fall into our mans/husbands shadows. Although it’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s a difficult thing to come out of.

For instance, I love making sure that Brandon comes home to me when he gets off work, if I’m not working.So I try my hardest to schedule my “me” time before he gets off. But honestly sometimes it conflicts because I may be enjoying my “me” time, and then I have to leave.

There is a way to do both…It is just something that I have yet to discover. I’ve always found in any relationship, I’ve given myself up, to ensure that the person I’m with is secure. I’ve found that a lot of times when I talk it’s “WE” did….or “WE” should do.. NOT “I” have done or “I” should do.

I can’t even go shopping for myself without thinking “What does he need”.

I guess my question to everyone else is:

How do you continue to make you happy, when you always want to make or keep the other person happy?

Poisons of a woman’s mouth

Poison…

Release that poison…

“YOU’RE A STUPID ASS!”

“YOU’RE A DUMB MOTHERFUC*ER!”

“YOU AIN’T SHIT, AIN’T NEVER GONNA BE SHIT!”

The venom shoots like jets from the mouth..

That vile compilation of words that can never be retracted.

It seems he just doesn’t understand

“LISTEN TO ME NIGGA, YOU’LL NEVER BE RESPECTED”

The sharpening and shrieking sounds of your voice, makes him cringe with every hiss.

“LEAVE, GET OUT. I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT”

Oh yeah, just kill that ego,

So he can leave, and you can start to wonder where he-go..

Nag, baby girl nag…

So he can go brag to the next, and ask her to relieve that stress..

I digress

“THESE NIGGAS AIN’T SHIT”

We swear we know this to be true…

But baby baby girl who’s more “AIN’T SHIT” than you?

This man probably wasn’t a man when he got with you.

You just swear you saw a light within him that needed to be pushed through.

That venom that you’re spitting ain’t it.. there must be another way.

Just look him in his face, “OPEN THAT MOUTH WIDE”

NOW:: Start to pray

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord;
    keep watch over the door of my lips.”

He’s your man, not your son.

Do you understand how much damage you’ve done?

I plead to you my queen…

Let that poison be done

-Ebonee Molloy

 

 

This is a poem that I wrote, and again everything is my truth. The truth hurts and reading this over and over makes me see things clearer. As a woman, I don’t understand what daily struggles my man has. It’s almost as if I dont care to know. I just want things done my way, on my time, whenever I think it’s best. I’m learning to grow one day at a time. It literally takes some soul searching to really understand.

LADIES::When’s the last time you’ve really appreciated your man? I mean literally went a full day without nagging? Of course we think it’s hard to do because they didn’t do something we’ve asked them to.  Think about it.

“Who can really make your man feel better than you?” No one, just you….

ˈself\-ri-ˈflek-shən (Self Reflection)

 

 

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Welp… Here’s a topic I’ve tried my entire life to avoid. You know the one where I have to reflect on me, and think about everything negative about MYSELF. It’s so easy to point out what’s wrong with everyone else. I mean who really wants to criticize themselves ? NO ONE !

So as I stand here typing this (yes standing, seeing as though I am currently at work with these thoughts), I must self-reflect. I’m no life guru, I’m only putting MY life into perspective…So please read with a cautious eye..

Who Am I?

Naturally, we start off with our life titles.. Example: I am a wife, Husband, mother, student, businessman, career woman.. But is that really all we are? Let me actually define who I am.

::I am a human that has flaws::

MANY flaws to be exact. I have a {Bad Temper} that yes I should seek help for, but I don’t because that will mean I “Really” have a problem. It’s not a life or death temper, but it is something that can hinder any friendship/relationship.

On top of having a bad temper, I’m also insecure. Yep! It’s true. As much as I would LOVE to blame my insecurities on the Ex that cheated, or the girl that stole “MY” man, or even the new standard of beautiful….. I can’t. My insecurities come from “ME”. My insecurities come from the fact that I have longed for things that just aren’t MEANT to be mine.. I’m sure you wanna know what I mean::

  • Long Hair- Funny right since I just cut my hair off.. I guess I was at that point that I knew it would never be the thick and long hair I’d always wanted, so I’d just chop it off and it’d make everything all better… WRONG! Here I am still complaining to Brandon about how short my hair is.  To the point that I’ve worn braids all summer.
  • Big Boobs- Why? No real answer honestly… I figured that’d make anybody want me more. Or any woman envy me more. But I must admit, my husband has really made me feel better about being apart of the itty bitty titty committee. *Thanks babe*
  • A bad ass car- I have wanted a range rover for forever..  Brandon literally asked me why, and I said “Because I like it”. I guess I’ve never really thought about that. I mean would I like the expensive ass maintenance? What does it do for me, that my little Chevy Cruze doesn’t? Ooh I know.. Get me more attention. UNNEEDED attention.

I could literally go on all day about this…But the biggest flaw::

Indecisiveness

One minute I want this…Next minute I want That.. That’s not the issue though. The issue is somehow I believe “That” is better than “This”. My best-friends mom was literally the eye opener for me because I just C A N ‘ T make a damn decision.

  1. I thought moving to Texas would be better than living up north. Although it is, (my opinion) I have found reasons as to why Indiana is better than Texas.
  2. I wanted to be married as much as my husband. So why have I contemplated being single instead of being married.
  3. I been going to school since I started college for Hospitality and Tourism Management, so why in the middle of my college career did I decide I wanted to go to school for marketing, instead of Hospitality and Tourism Management?
  4. Why have I yearned the attention of people that don’t give AF about me? When I have have a husband that gives me so much attention?

No matter how many ways I try to write these things, they all seem to come back to my insecurities. I’ll admit:: I’M SCARED! Im scared of everything unknown. I’m scared of making a mistake. I’m scared of making a decision. I’m scared to “FAIL”.

I know who I am now:: I am scared shitless of life, indecisive AF and afraid of failure.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

What defines you? What are you afraid of? |Comment your answers| Yes you can be anonymous. Someone out there is just like you.

for·ev·er?¿

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Best day of our lives? ABSOLUTELY! Best decision we’ve ever made? HELL NO.. I know, I know…Why so blunt? Because it’s the truth. We became boyfriend and girlfriend in 2013, engaged in 2014 and married May 2016.Do I think that was to soon for a marriage? NOPE. BUT, we were both still really young. Soon after the wedding and the honeymoon, reality began to sink in. Barely taking care of ourselves…How could we possibly know how to successfully love one another and fulfill each others needs? He was 26 and I was 24. We were sooo caught up in being together forever, we lacked the “What does it take to make a marriage work” conversation. This is the one conversation no one had the balls to have with us, instead they volunteered their “I want an invite”, or the infamous “Relationship goals” opinions. We are TWO people that haven’t seen a successful marriage, so we should have been doomed from the start. Both Brandon and I came up with this specific post. We would like to admit a couple of things:

  1. Communication*Our ability to communicate-SUCKS. Yes Present- tense. No openness what so ever. One of us is always “Shutting Down” things we don’t want to hear. Definitely something to work on, yet I must admit, it is an issue.
  2. Attention* One of our biggest flaws is that we have both yearned the attention of others that are NOT our immediate spouse. I would love to blame this on social media, but let’s be serious… That can be silenced…I know it’s possible to not indulge in such negative attention, but the question is- “Are we ready to?”. One year into this marriage, you would think that question would have been answered. But as much as I hate to say it, “It hasn’t.”
  3. Finances* We have both made some simpleminded money mistakes..some before each other and some while we’ve been together. While going through pre-marital counseling I’d listen to how most divorces are over money. I thought how could that be possible, without infidelity anything can be fixed. God, I was so wrong. There have been many times when we may have fell short on bills that we questioned if we could really do this. The answer is YES! “WE” as a unit can, but in that moment, there just doesn’t seem to be a way out.
  4. Infidelity* The “Infidelity plague” has stricken our ONE YEAR MARRIAGE. *REMEMBER* Infidelity does not only involve {SEX}.. It comes in so many forms, that one may not even realize they’re doing it. |Texting/deleting Texts| Sharing vulnerable information|Spending time with the opposite sex outside of your marriage|Hiding things from your spouse| Lying in general| It doesn’t matter who has done it.. [You couldn’t have possibly thought I was gonna say who it was😂😂😂] The problem is that it has happened and we needed to have the ” What are WE going to do about it?” The saying “Time heals all wounds” is both true and false. Although the incident has slipped our minds currently, it does still sit there waiting for the day it can strike again.

When the two people decide get married, both people say their vows and both listen. Often times one of the people, if not both, fall short on the listening and the seriousness of the vows they’ve spoke.

“I Brandon give you
Ebonee, my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
wife. I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
“I Ebonee give you
Brandon my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
husband I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
Let me be the first to admit…we BOTH fell short.
We BOTH have agreed that our vows were our glue to hold us together.
We’re still learning.. We bleed.. We want to quit.. But honestly…love conquers all.. We got this. We are still best friends…We are still Lovers… We are still married… 1 year down…many more to conquer. 💘