I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.


I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?


When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.


Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛

-Malee_Kuh

Why am I single?

Being single isn’t easy….but being in an unfulfilling relationship is even worse.
  1. Are you willing to compromise your happiness to say that you are in a relationship?
  2. Have you found yourself in a situationship?
  3. What is the hardest part for you about dating?
  4. Are you afraid to leave a current relationship due to fears of having to date again?

Comment Below 🙂

Tell me when…..

When’s the last time you’ve done something that made you happy? Whether it was purchasing something you desired, traveling a place you’ve always wanted, or chilling in the house all day doing nothing, because that’s what you wanted to do? If you haven’t done anything you wanted to do….why not?


Often we don’t do things that makes us happy purely based on what other people may think or how they may feel. There are so many things I’ve wanted to do but because someone else may have frowned upon it, I declined. In life, we tend to put others feelings before our own and let’s just be honest, it’s the dumbest damn mistake we could make. It’s like when they tell you on the plane to put on your oxygen mask before assisting someone else, most people will say something along the lines of no, I’m going to help my child first, my parents first, or my grand parents. Again…why are we putting someone else before ourselves.


Think about this.. The college you chose, was that the college you truly wanted to go to, or did your family have influence over that decision? That sorority or fraternity you chose,was that your own decision or did you decide to just follow your family tradition with fears of letting them down. That man or woman you’re dating or married to…Is there someone else you see your life with, but you just can’t bare hurting them or letting down family members or hell, even staying in it for the kids? Let’s not forget the career you chose! Did you really want to be a doctor or was being a professional basketball player just not realistic enough for your family?


When all of these people in your life are long gone and you are still walking the earth, living the life they pushed you to live….what will you do since you no longer have anyone else to “live” for?


I say all of that to say this, “WE ONLY GET ONE F****** LIFE”. Live your life for you. You have to make the choices you want and do the things that make you happy. My ex used to tell me all the time that he wanted to go skydiving. I would look at him like he was crazy and would say stuff like that’s dumb or make close minded ass remarks like “That’s white people shit.” Once we broke up, I saw him about 6 months later and he was so excited for me to see a video, and I’m looking at the TV like what the hell could this be. He turned the TV on and it was a video of him sky diving. I was SHITTY ya’ll lmao! When I say this man looked like he had the best time of his life, I literally started crying. He looked at me like girl, why are you are you crying? I just kept saying I’m sorry because instead of me understanding that sky diving was what he wanted, I pushed my ideas of what happiness was to me, onto him, making him think that what he wanted was dumb. I NEVER want to be THAT person again.

Please do what makes you happy. Do what you want to. There will be people that look down on you, but I guarantee their quality of life won’t be anywhere near as remarkable as yours.

-Optimistically Me

Internal Conflict

I want to believe my mother and father will live forever, but of course that would be living in a dream. The love they’ve provided me, requires me to raise my guard and protect the better parts of me. How can I let them leave knowing I’m being devalued? Wait, I mean.. devaluing myself, by entertaining somebody that can care less if I’m stressed but quick to ask me why I’m always so pressed.There’s nothing that I want more than to be loved by a man. A forehead kiss, his lips on my thighs, long nights talking, staring into his eyes. But at what price? Multiple: Meaningless, Monotonous. Mundane encounters?

I don’t want to love another woman’s man, or a man who can’t see my worth without me opening my legs. I’m a dope ass woman, and I want to be seen as such. I have too much to offer to to continue to live beneath my own standards. I want him to fall in love with my deep brown skin, my genuine grin and the depth of myself, which is my intellect. Deep conversations, a connection built on expression and never feeling less than. It’s moments when I can inhale…hold and release that will provide the relief of my long days. And hope he will hold me, comfort me and reassure me everything will be ok. I want a man that’s mine, who will put in the time it takes to love the broken me. So I can be the woman that our daughter hopes to grow to be. And our kids can see that a love like mommy and daddy’s is hard to beat. I just want to be real life goals, not for the gram , but eternity 💛

Dear Diary:: Oh Deshaun..

Have you ever met someone and the chemistry was like… Alchemy- (a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination.) There is absolutely no way I would have ever thought that you can vibe with someone on such a level. I meaaan the feeling is so fragile that you’re afraid to f*ck it up.


Oh..Deshaun… We can just listen to music and vibe and it’s one of the most serene feelings ever. We can be lame and play connect four or I can tap that ass in speed and I’m like damn… this is dope. I haven’t laughed so much in so long and it’s such a great feeling to have.

I listen to everything you say, how you say it, and the faces you make when you say it lol. I know you like to feel appreciated..I know you have a big heart and I know you want to be the best dad you can be. I know you want to be seen for what you can do and continue to excel in your career. You’ve made it very clear that a relationship is furthest from your mind, and I can respect that. But as your friend…I can truly say that I see you and if no one else says it..I am proud of you.


The experience you’ve recently given me is one that can’t be explained. It’s one that only you and I understand. I have lost knowing what it should be feel like for a man to make you feel like a queen. I lost knowing the standard I should have for myself as a woman. I lost the values my father instilled in me that I shouldn’t have to take care of a man. I lost the idea of what it looked like to watch a man lead in a way that makes you want to submit. I spent a weekend with you and a sense of what I need and what my standards for men should be going forward came rushing back..


I am not most beautiful girl in the world, I don’t have the most money in the world, but it doesn’t feel like that when I am around you. Your communication may be trash lmao, but your friendship is one I will never question. I’m happy to know you, happy you were brought into my life and hope that this friendship is long lasting. Thank You and I appreciate you.

Dear Diary: I met you at the wrong time…..

Someone asked me if it’s possible to meet someone at the wrong time. Quickly I answered yes. I met a man when I was 21, who gave me all of the knowledge and tools to be great and successful. But what can you really tell a 21 year old? I took everything he told me as him trying to control me and now at 27, i’m like damn I should have listened. I haven’t had another man in my corner like that since him lol.. Maybe it’s karma, who knows. Every relationship / situationship after him has been absolute trash.


When I say he kept my gas on full, kept my stomach full, and my brain filled with knowledge. It was all something I wasn’t used to. Truly something I wasn’t ready for or able to appreciate. When I dropped out of college, he went OFF lol. I’m like chill bro, you’re acting like my dad. He left me this real long voicemail telling me how I was making a huge mistake by dropping out and I remember listening to it, like who does he think he is?


Today, I sit back and I reflect on it, as it’s one of my most painful memories. The man is doing great for himself and has made it through obstacles that many people would have folded from. I remember seeing him on the Steve Harvey show and I just started breaking down. I sat there for a second trying to understand why I was breaking down. I knew it wasn’t because he was on T.V.


I knew I was crying because he was brought into my life for me to know what it was like to be treated like a queen. He was brought into my life to set a standard. A standard that I have ignored since I was 21. I have allowed men to use me, belittle me, and take everything I have. I don’t even make men date me, when this man would take me on a date damn near every other weekend lol. Like where did my morals go?!

Jay,

I don’t know that you’ll ever read this…But I want to thank you for always being a rock in my life, even though you’re no longer in my life. You’ve given me a foundation and set a standard for myself that I must learn to follow. I know that the path I’ve taken with the men I’ve dated has disappointed you. Me being so young, there was no way I understood the woman you saw in me. From day one, you had a vision and you stuck to it, I wish I could say the same. Continue to be the great man I know you are. Keep your foot on these niggas necks and make that money boo.

Sincerely,

Ebonee’

growth


“the process of developing or maturing physically, mentally, or spiritually. ”
“the process of increasing in amount, value, or importance.”

Most people grow once there has been a life changing experience, or a setback that occurs to make you realize that something needs to change. It’s unfortunate that these things have to happen in order for us to make the necessary changes, but life tends to work that way.

Everyone’s growth happens at different times and for many different reasons. I’ve had multiple periods in my life where I’ve seen growth and I’m like… “the old me would have…”

I have a really bad habit of saying what I feel and looking back later, like damn girl did you have to go so hard lol? I am still working on this. I have family members and friends that’ll say, “Ebonee, did you really have to say that?” I’m like hell yeah I did, but in actuality I didn’t lol This is where G R O W T H comes in and I should apologize and be like I’m working on it.

I used to fight my exes when they insulted my intelligence. I mean I could have the evidence right there and they would try to convince me that I was tripping. Like broooo you sitting here with the same outfit on of the dude in this picture but its not you? lol Nah sir.. you’re about to get these hands.. A TERRIBLE mentality to have and I can honestly say I’ve G R O W N. Now it’s just easier for me to say what I have to say and keep it moving. No dude is ever worth all of that.

Growth is saying to yourself “Girl put that shit back, you don’t need to spend money.” Thisssss one.. I’m still working on haha! But that’s why it’s growth. Spending money is my worst habit..

Ultimately what I am trying to say is..everyone has room to grow. No one is prefect and before pointing out someone else’s flaws, step back and check yourself. What can you do to make yourself a better you? What areas do you still need to grow in? Do you need to grow in your career, relationship, parenting, communication, HAPPINESS, Spirituality? I love everyone and always want to see the best in everyone..

Lets Grow Together 🙂

Heal·ing

I haven’t written a blog in some time and let’s just say I was still in desperate need of some healing. I’m human and the one thing I needed to remember was to heal. With healing comes most humans biggest fear.. loneliness. I have tried my hardest to understand why we’re so afraid of being alone. I attempted a relationship for about 6 months and B A B Y, just like my therapist said.,🗣MY ASS WAS NOT READY lol. I still had/have so much aggression in my heart from my marriage and it’s like when the hell does this shit finally go away? Crazy thing is that it won’t disappear until I heal myself. I’ve found myself just having random breakdowns and even though I wanted to stop myself from crying, I knew I just had to let it out. I’ve cried in the car, in the bed, in the shower, mainly anywhere I had time to think which is why I try so hard to stay busy. But who can really keep busy that long? I knew there were things I needed to address that I couldn’t repress any longer.


Again…..healing myself means being alone. I’ve found so much peace and comfort in being alone it’s almost like why TF haven’t I done this sooner? Being in your own thoughts, moving at your own pace and living on your own time is damn near magical. Have you ever went to the movies by yourself or even grabbed food alone? I’ll admit it’s weird AF because as people we naturally want someone else there but it’s hella liberating knowing you can do it alone.


One of the most important pieces of being alone and healing is to have people that support that growth in you. When you have negative ninjas😂 around you that don’t understand the direction you’re trying to take in life, it will knock you back 5 steps. It will completely have you second guessing if you’re making the right decision. My best friend Kayla bought me a book. It’s called “The Power of Being Thankful by Joyce Meyer” and she always buys lil corny stuff that I’m like girl what is this 💀😂. But when she bought me that book it was super dope to me because it’s like you’re supporting my healing and that’s the type of energy needed to finish this journey.


I say all of that to say this:: When you recognize in your life that your shit isn’t right 🗣FIX IT! Stop waiting on the next person to prepare you and convince you that you’re ready. The only thing about healing and fixing yourself is that you have to be mentally ready and fed up with the direction your life is going in. It’s just like being in a toxic relationship. People can tell you everyday to get your life together, but until you’re fed up, it is going to go in one ear and out the other.


My cousin Ryan and I have these deep conversations all the time. I’ll call him about something happening in my life and he will just hit me with the “But you already know what you should do”. I hate when he says that because it’s true. Most of the time we KNOW what decision we should make, but because we are scared to implement the change necessary, we continue living a life we are unhappy in.

From this point forward…No matter what anyone will think, live your life for you.

IT IS YOUR TIME TO HEAL! IT IS YOUR TIME TO LIVE!

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP!

NOW LEAP!!

What aspect of your life do you need healing from?

  • Finances
  • Relationships
  • Abuse
  • Emotions
  • Health
  • Family
  • Trauma

Have you accepted that you need healing? What have you done to begin the healing? What can you do to start healing?

Just one of those days..

Some days I wake up and I’m just not feeling it. It’s to the point that just laying in bed and doing nothing feels perfect. Sometimes it’s so bad that I don’t want contact with anyone. My mom always told me to stop being so available, and that’s a lesson I have yet to learn. When my phone rings I’m quick to answer and reply to texts. It could be friends, family or whatever new dude I decided to entertain. But recently, the feeling of wanting to be left alone came more and more frequent. People that I would always answer for, would now get the ignore. I mean honestly it wasn’t my fault and before long, the blame came. “Why didn’t you answer me?” “Where have you been”? “I needed to vent to you.” “I NEEDED YOU.” I would see the messages and the guilt of not being mentally available turned into lies..

“Oh I didn’t see it.” “Oh I wasn’t by my phone.” When in reality I just wanted to be left alone. How could I say this without letting everyone down? Somehow I placed my lows on the back burner in order to lift others up…hmmm how does that make sense? I could figuratively be drowning in my own tears and no one would’ve even cared. I mean I truly wouldn’t know that because how could I express to the people that looked to me, that I’m just as broken as them? With no where to go, the breakdowns almost became crippling. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stayed in, windows shut and phone on DND. It’s weird… I found myself to be happy this way.

A couple months ago a new man came into my life and noticed the things about myself no one else did. Not only was I broken and bitter, but I was in such a dark place. Mentally the only place I would go, was inside my own mind. He noticed there was something missing…and he pushed me to seek help. Unfortunately, since there is a new guy in my life, people feel I’ve pushed them away because of him, but in reality everyone has been pushed away. I’ve just made myself available in the midst of all the pain. But now to have someone that will make you put yourself first, it’s almost scary.

Going to see a therapist and her letting me know that I have situational depression was a wake up call. I allowed a season in my life to last longer than it needed to. There have been times when my boyfriend has stopped me from drinking my life away and damn near ruining myself. Working on myself I’ve started getting thicker, as I was small as hell at one point. My hair is starting to grow and my skin is glowing. I’m happier and starting my blog was a way to release a lot of my pain. I say all of this to say this::

People that care about you will understand that you come first. My cousin Ryan had to help me see that certain things aren’t healthy for your life and consistent breaks are needed. If I don’t want to come to your dinner, to the club, or chill on your couch, it’s not you, it’s me. I need time for me. I am broken and I am attempting to become whole. I am not prefect…I can admit that.