I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·bil·i ·ty noun

  1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

It’s lightening outside right now, I have my favorite bath and body works peach Bellini candle burning, while listening to “Tell Him”, by Ms. Lauryn Hill. As I’m listening to the lyrics, I’m realizing how hard it is for me to do the things she is saying in the song because it requires me to open up, and potentially be exposed to hurt.

When she says, “Tell him I need him, tell him I love him,”…..I didn’t sing that part lol. I believe parts of me never wants to feel love again. To completely expose yourself to someone, I mean let them know your life traumas, insecurities, fears, and feelings comes with the possibility of being broken.

I’ve had multiple men tell me I’m not vulnerable enough. Apparently I’m very closed off, and hard to read and it really isn’t shocking news. Idk how to express myself without feeling weak anymore. I can have the strongest feelings for someone and never tell them because of fear of being broken by them or them walking away. Listen… when you’ve expressed feelings and someone else just brushes it off…it can turn you into a cold bitch.

I tried a relationship last year and it was a fucking disaster lmaooooo! I could just tell I wasn’t giving my all to him. I didn’t open up to him and just let him know me at the surface level. Literally what he saw, was what he got. No deep talks, no late night car rides sharing my vision with him..he received who I was at that moment & I knew it wasn’t going to last.

I can’t even cuddle forreal anymore because it puts me in such a vulnerable position 🥴. I used to ask this dude to come cuddle with me and he’s like “bro, you cuddle for 5 minutes then roll back to your side.” I never felt so judged, but the shit was true. To lay on a mans chest, and allow them to hold me (again a vulnerable position) takes a lot of trust….

I talked to my cousin Ryan and told him that all week I had been working on opening my heart chakra. Although it may sound cliche to some, it’s truly working for me. For those that don’t know, the heart chakra:

The heart chakra is associated with compassion, affection, and love. The energy of the heart chakra starts in the center and expands through the chest. This chakra connects the lower and upper chakra, acting as a bridge between earthly matters and higher aspirations.

Signs of balance: The ability to openly give and receive love

Signs of imbalance: The inability to love yourself and others, hatred, depression, grief, selfishness, and jealousy

What blocks the heart chakra: Things like stress and emotional pain — usually caused by bad memories, old programming, emotions, and/or overthinking — can block your heart chakra, and make it difficult for you to form and hold onto healthy relationships.

Opening the heart chakra:

  1. Burn candles, incense or use essential oils.
  2. Repeat positive affirmations about love toward healing by breaking old patterns and directing behaviors in a new direction.
  3. Yoga poses such as the upward facing dog, camel, and bridge drive the chest toward the sky and open the heart.
  4. Using healing stones like rose quartz, jade, green calcite, green tourmaline, or green aventurine to unblock the heart chakra and attract love energy.
  5. Turn negative thoughts regarding love into positive ones.
Ultimately, I want to be vulnerable and trust someone else with all of me. It will just take someone with patience, an understanding of the pain I’ve endured and have a strong love for me, for me to be vulnerable again….

I hope that if anyone is struggling with love, you are able to open your heart again. I hope that compassion, trust and vulnerability finds you and keeps you grounded. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.


I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?


When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.


Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛

-Malee_Kuh

Come through…..

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog, and I must admit, this corona virus quarantine has me doing nothing but scrolling, watching tv, and eating lol. My cousin KeKe sent me this meme that us women are all too familiar with and I found it extremely funny.

Ladiesss…….! We have all been there at some point in our lives, when a guy sent us the come through text and we were willing to get there by any means necessary. Whether you drive yourself, catch a bus, train, plane, bike, kite, ya home girl or hell even one of your dudes might have dropped you off unknowingly. I’ve driven through damn near tsunamis and pretending like it wasn’t the end of the world outside. My cousin Tiara one night literally was like “Bih…you do know it’s storming outside right”? I’m just like “God got me”. I literally couldn’t see shit on that highway, but I was determined and couldn’t look back! I was slipping and sliding the whole way.

I have literally been dead asleep, and the dude calls and like “You up”? I’m like yeah I’m up, knowing gahdamn well I have on a whole ass bonnett, an over large shirt and slob on my pillow. But LOOK! I’m up now, hitting that bathroom to brush my teeth and a shower/hoe bath depending on how soon I need to be there.

Depending on how much I like a guy would typically determine how dumb I would decide to be.. YIKES lol If it’s like “I’m feeling ya conversation, but I’m not sleeping with you”, you get me leaving out the crib at 10P.M. at the latest, but if I’m sleep we have to reschedule. Now if I mess with you heavy HEAVY, talk to all of my girls about you, (bad & good), imagine a pretend future with you and you’ve put it down on me before. BAY BAY!!, SIS pulling up at SCARY hours haha!

A moment of transparency, & IDGAF who judges meee… Niggas & women alike have done the scary hours pull up so “WHO GONE CHECK ME” haha!

Anywho…I had been messing with this dude on and off for a while. He had been out of town so I was missing him like crazy, although I wasn’t going to tell him that. He went to the club and asked me if I was going out & I’m like nah, I’m going to chill at the crib & relax. Whole time I’m like D A M N, I should’ve taken my ass out so I could’ve run into him. So I end up falling asleep, like catching big ZzZ’S. Mind ya’ll, before I fell asleep I cut my ringer on HA! At 2am, I get a text like “You up?” I’m like yup, while responding with one eye open staring at a bright ass screen in pitch black darkness. He like, “Meet me at my crib, and I’ll be there once I leave the strip club” Ya’ll the club closed at 5am… F I V E AM! Those are crackhead hours lmao.. So I get up at 3am, go to his crib through the back door get in the bed and fall back to sleep. This man walked in at 6am BWAHAHAHAHA!

Let’s just say, a nigga I don’t like, like that.. COULD NEVA! I’d be like, boy if you don’t get ya goofy ass outta here, thinking I’m getting out of my bed at 3am, you done lost your mind. I low-key would probably block him…not even going to lie.

I have been out with my girls and gotten that “come through” text & hit them with the quick deuces. & Don’t let your girls find out you’re leaving them for a nigga.. you will never hear the end of it.. OH OH but wait… DEFINITELY don’t let it be a nigga you’ve claimed to be done with or they think you need be done with. They damn near won’t talk to you for days.

Now this isn’t solely for women because I know PLENTY men willing to pull up during scary hours for a chick. So guys, don’t EVEN think about judging us haha!

Welp…. That’s all ya’ll… Just think about me the next time ya’ll are about to pull up during scary hours. Know that it’s OK LMAOOO! We are all dumb at some point. Just don’t respond too quickly, don’t seem too excited, hit those three points of contact with soap, water and lil perfume, show up and show out! 🙂

Maybe The, Problem’s Me..

“Lookin’ for the love in somebody else

That I prolly shoulda gave to myself

Cycles I need to break in myself

If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else”

-Big Sean

I look back on the friendships and relationships I’ve had and I’m like damn… I’ve really put other people before myself. I was always TOO available. Anytime someone needed me physically, monetarily or even just mentally I was there. I thought being there for them was a form of love. Doing so I didn’t realize how much that broke me. Not giving myself the same love I provided to others was the worst thing I could do. How can you help others but can’t help yourself? Also, it’s funny that half the time you can’t count on these same people to do the same in return.

When he said “cycles I need to break in myself,” that made me think way deeper than I possibly needed to but shit…here we go. I had a very abusive relationship in high school that my family never knew about… (Sorry y’all had to find out this way) but yeah that happened. After that relationship, I yearned being loved. I yearned love from a man because somehow I thought it validated me, to show me there was nothing wrong with me. Fast forward to me getting married, although the signs were there that he possibly wasn’t the man for me, I ignored it because he finally gave me something I YEARNED and that was to be loved/cared about. I’ve now learned that until I love myself, I will never manifest the love I’m looking for.

This last line is tough… “If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else.” This means I am ALWAYS first. These last couple of months have shown me how necessary it is to be alone. I’ve been able to move at my own pace, without feeling like someone else is affected by my decisions. Also, when you are in a relationship you want that person to completely put you first and when that doesn’t happen, it can make you reflect on your worth. Everyone needs to be alone at some point, so when you allow someone into your space you’ll instantly know if they are bringing you peace or pain.

I had a guy recently ask why I was single and the honest answer is: I’ve never been single. I jumped from one relationship to the next hoping to finally find the love I searched so hard for. Now I am okay with being alone. I can sit in the house for hours listening to music, on my laptop and looking through memes lol. Half the time if anyone calls me, I am in my room in my bed with a bonnet on..I am good where I am in my life right now. I have to love me before I give myself to anyone new. I have been half assed loved so much that it’s easy to spot now. I have been used multiple time for based on how I could help somebody else come up and that shit is draining.

I love being single for the first time in my life…

Protect your peace

“They say people in your life are seasons,

And anything that happen is for a reason ” -Kanye West

I’ve finally reached the point where I no longer want to beg someone to stay in my life. If they want to leave.. let them. Remember every person you meet is in your life for a reason and they will all teach you something different. Although every experience hasn’t been pleasant, I needed all of them. I’ve learned how I want to be treated and how not to be treated.

Think about the last person you stopped talking to. Was there a big fall out or did you two just grow apart? Now most importantly…What did you learn? When we are in the middle of a friendship/relationship, we are so focused on making it work that we aren’t seeing the lessons we’re being taught. Typically, if it seems as though you are being “tested” in that friendship/relationship it may be a sign of the end of that season.

We fight so hard to keep situations alive and the more we prolong it, we find ourselves hurt. But why? You will be tested over and over until you’re finally fed up. If someone does not bring you peace, it’s time to part ways.

In physical relationships, this may be a little harder to do and a lot harder to identify. When we are in relationships where feelings are involved, we tend to try to overlook the signs because we like to think of the better times and not what’s truly in front of us. We will push our feelings away so that we are able to hold on to that relationship.

In a close friendship it is typically the same. We love the person we are friends with, we think of all the good times we’ve had with them and try to excuse things that affected us. But when you have to question if this person you are in a relationship with or you’re friends with is truly for you, then it may be time to re-evaluate their position in your life.

I am not saying to go cut off everyone you’ve ever known because I’m sure you’ve been in your feelings about everyone in your life at some point. But what I am saying is take a step back from them and see if it brings you peace. If you find yourself not missing them, did they truly have value in your life?

Tell me when…..

When’s the last time you’ve done something that made you happy? Whether it was purchasing something you desired, traveling a place you’ve always wanted, or chilling in the house all day doing nothing, because that’s what you wanted to do? If you haven’t done anything you wanted to do….why not?


Often we don’t do things that makes us happy purely based on what other people may think or how they may feel. There are so many things I’ve wanted to do but because someone else may have frowned upon it, I declined. In life, we tend to put others feelings before our own and let’s just be honest, it’s the dumbest damn mistake we could make. It’s like when they tell you on the plane to put on your oxygen mask before assisting someone else, most people will say something along the lines of no, I’m going to help my child first, my parents first, or my grand parents. Again…why are we putting someone else before ourselves.


Think about this.. The college you chose, was that the college you truly wanted to go to, or did your family have influence over that decision? That sorority or fraternity you chose,was that your own decision or did you decide to just follow your family tradition with fears of letting them down. That man or woman you’re dating or married to…Is there someone else you see your life with, but you just can’t bare hurting them or letting down family members or hell, even staying in it for the kids? Let’s not forget the career you chose! Did you really want to be a doctor or was being a professional basketball player just not realistic enough for your family?


When all of these people in your life are long gone and you are still walking the earth, living the life they pushed you to live….what will you do since you no longer have anyone else to “live” for?


I say all of that to say this, “WE ONLY GET ONE F****** LIFE”. Live your life for you. You have to make the choices you want and do the things that make you happy. My ex used to tell me all the time that he wanted to go skydiving. I would look at him like he was crazy and would say stuff like that’s dumb or make close minded ass remarks like “That’s white people shit.” Once we broke up, I saw him about 6 months later and he was so excited for me to see a video, and I’m looking at the TV like what the hell could this be. He turned the TV on and it was a video of him sky diving. I was SHITTY ya’ll lmao! When I say this man looked like he had the best time of his life, I literally started crying. He looked at me like girl, why are you are you crying? I just kept saying I’m sorry because instead of me understanding that sky diving was what he wanted, I pushed my ideas of what happiness was to me, onto him, making him think that what he wanted was dumb. I NEVER want to be THAT person again.

Please do what makes you happy. Do what you want to. There will be people that look down on you, but I guarantee their quality of life won’t be anywhere near as remarkable as yours.

-Optimistically Me

Internal Conflict

I want to believe my mother and father will live forever, but of course that would be living in a dream. The love they’ve provided me, requires me to raise my guard and protect the better parts of me. How can I let them leave knowing I’m being devalued? Wait, I mean.. devaluing myself, by entertaining somebody that can care less if I’m stressed but quick to ask me why I’m always so pressed.There’s nothing that I want more than to be loved by a man. A forehead kiss, his lips on my thighs, long nights talking, staring into his eyes. But at what price? Multiple: Meaningless, Monotonous. Mundane encounters?

I don’t want to love another woman’s man, or a man who can’t see my worth without me opening my legs. I’m a dope ass woman, and I want to be seen as such. I have too much to offer to to continue to live beneath my own standards. I want him to fall in love with my deep brown skin, my genuine grin and the depth of myself, which is my intellect. Deep conversations, a connection built on expression and never feeling less than. It’s moments when I can inhale…hold and release that will provide the relief of my long days. And hope he will hold me, comfort me and reassure me everything will be ok. I want a man that’s mine, who will put in the time it takes to love the broken me. So I can be the woman that our daughter hopes to grow to be. And our kids can see that a love like mommy and daddy’s is hard to beat. I just want to be real life goals, not for the gram , but eternity 💛

Breaking Up With Toxicity

It’s crazy how many red flags 🚩 we ignore. It’s not because we are dumb, it’s really because we choose to ignore them… OK.. so maybe we are dumb, but most importantly we’re human. It’s like we WANT to see the good in people, even when they show us exactly who they are! This could be a relationship, a friendship, hell even your family. And I know reading this… there’s definitely someone that popped in your mind.🤦🏾‍♀️ But look…. first try to understand why they’re still there…


Sweet baby Ebonee… why is that? Wellll… ok! Think about the good times… NOW STOP! See that’s ya problem right there 😂😂😂 Those good times are constantly giving you F.A.L.S.E hope! Let’s be real… He or She is not about to change out of the blue. People really have to want to change in order to change. Most times in order to see the change, you have to let them go. Let them figure out their issues before they can be of any benefit to you, because right now that roller coaster is making ya sick boo! I’ve had friends I’ve had to let go because the up and down shit gets draining.You can’t make anyone be in your life. You can’t pray everyday that someone changes. lol


Let’s also be realer …. ladies hold ya wigs and guys hold ya hairlines for this next one * w h i s p e r s * 🗣 SOMETIMES YA’LL ARE THE TOXIC ONES!!! I know I yelled, but shit I’ve always been told I’m bad at whispering 😂😂. Anywho! Back to the topic at hand.. seriously. At times we have to take a step back and say “WHY… are these types of people in my life” then BOOM 💥🤯 .. ~Self Reflection moment~ IT’S ME!


My issue is I always want to help.. Dear Lord, Why’d you make my heart so pure? 💀 It’s a blessing and a curse. It’s like I attract people with the wildest gahdaaaamn circumstances, to the point that I make it a game to see if each person can outdo the last. And here comes my little weak heart doing everything I can and wondering why I get shitted on.. duh goofy! Stop attracting these types of people. It’s probably taken multiple situations like these for me to understand, but I can say they are easier to spot. I lowkey had a talk with my heart and told the MF to chill out!


All in all… we know red flags when we see them! We just have to look beyond the good and focus on what someone is really showing us. If they can’t call or text.. it’s because you’re not important to them. If they are still messing with that other person after you’ve taken them back, then baby they’re not stopping anytime soon. If they stop answering the phone or not responding at the same time everyday.. they have somebody they’re dating. If you’re never invited to the crib, they live with somebody. If they say they’re leaving somebody they’re with for you… just let them go because it’ll be years later and they’re still leaving. If it seems like your friend or family only brings their negative news to you, stop answering because that shit is draining and you’re taking in all of their shit with nowhere to dump yours!


It’s crazy how long this post has just gotten because I went off on a rant. But at the end of the day there are too many people on this earth for you to be stuck with people in your life that don’t give a damn about you. I can guarantee if you stop replying, stop answering, stop meeting up for closure, stop saying “this is the last time”, they will reflect and question what is going on. But you have to take the first and the hardest step of releasing. Stop ignoring the red flags baby…

Heal·ing

I haven’t written a blog in some time and let’s just say I was still in desperate need of some healing. I’m human and the one thing I needed to remember was to heal. With healing comes most humans biggest fear.. loneliness. I have tried my hardest to understand why we’re so afraid of being alone. I attempted a relationship for about 6 months and B A B Y, just like my therapist said.,🗣MY ASS WAS NOT READY lol. I still had/have so much aggression in my heart from my marriage and it’s like when the hell does this shit finally go away? Crazy thing is that it won’t disappear until I heal myself. I’ve found myself just having random breakdowns and even though I wanted to stop myself from crying, I knew I just had to let it out. I’ve cried in the car, in the bed, in the shower, mainly anywhere I had time to think which is why I try so hard to stay busy. But who can really keep busy that long? I knew there were things I needed to address that I couldn’t repress any longer.


Again…..healing myself means being alone. I’ve found so much peace and comfort in being alone it’s almost like why TF haven’t I done this sooner? Being in your own thoughts, moving at your own pace and living on your own time is damn near magical. Have you ever went to the movies by yourself or even grabbed food alone? I’ll admit it’s weird AF because as people we naturally want someone else there but it’s hella liberating knowing you can do it alone.


One of the most important pieces of being alone and healing is to have people that support that growth in you. When you have negative ninjas😂 around you that don’t understand the direction you’re trying to take in life, it will knock you back 5 steps. It will completely have you second guessing if you’re making the right decision. My best friend Kayla bought me a book. It’s called “The Power of Being Thankful by Joyce Meyer” and she always buys lil corny stuff that I’m like girl what is this 💀😂. But when she bought me that book it was super dope to me because it’s like you’re supporting my healing and that’s the type of energy needed to finish this journey.


I say all of that to say this:: When you recognize in your life that your shit isn’t right 🗣FIX IT! Stop waiting on the next person to prepare you and convince you that you’re ready. The only thing about healing and fixing yourself is that you have to be mentally ready and fed up with the direction your life is going in. It’s just like being in a toxic relationship. People can tell you everyday to get your life together, but until you’re fed up, it is going to go in one ear and out the other.


My cousin Ryan and I have these deep conversations all the time. I’ll call him about something happening in my life and he will just hit me with the “But you already know what you should do”. I hate when he says that because it’s true. Most of the time we KNOW what decision we should make, but because we are scared to implement the change necessary, we continue living a life we are unhappy in.

From this point forward…No matter what anyone will think, live your life for you.

IT IS YOUR TIME TO HEAL! IT IS YOUR TIME TO LIVE!

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP!

NOW LEAP!!

What aspect of your life do you need healing from?

  • Finances
  • Relationships
  • Abuse
  • Emotions
  • Health
  • Family
  • Trauma

Have you accepted that you need healing? What have you done to begin the healing? What can you do to start healing?