& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.

I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?

When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.

Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛


ˌinfəˈdelədē – Infidelity

“I know you been so through with me
You put up with my foolery
I guess you got so use to me
And my infidelity

And through the bad you saw the better man in me
You picked me up every time they put me down”

-Trey Songz

Me 4 U by Trey Songz literally describes what I dealt with. You give a pass once and it’s almost like you’ve accepted it honestly.

The ultimate demise of our marriage was purely infidelity. When I say I could’ve withstood almost anything……, consistent cheating, just wasn’t one of them. Listen.. We were young, I think I was 21 and he was 23 when we started dating. I was 24 and he was 26 when we got married and we both had a lot of growing up to do. We both had an infidelity issue in 2014 that we agreed to forward from, so I thought. He loved the attention he received from other women, and here I am cheating to get back at him. We both had a talk that other people weren’t what we wanted and we wanted to make the shit work. A year later, here comes a ring..thinking we were completely past the B.S we had dealt with the year prior. 2016 comes and we have a beautiful wedding.. LEGIT everything I dreamed of. I dropped out of college in 2013 and went back in 2016. Purely because I just didn’t want to go school anymore. Once we got married I knew I wanted a better life for the both of us.

I enrolled in school, went to school in the AM and worked in the PM. Most days not getting home until almost 11:30 P.M. Throughout this entire process I knew that my husband was home, and cheering me on, so I thought. We face timed multiple times per day, we talked on the phone and he would come to my job to spend time with me. Knowing that he was bored, lonely, and me feeling guilty for neglecting him, I would try to find different ways to make up for it. I would buy random gifts, cook, take us on trips, come up with new bedroom ideas, just ANYTHING to keep him happy until I could finish school.

Around November of 2016 I quit my job so that I was able to focus on school since my grades started to slack. Idk if I truly didn’t pay him attention because I was working so much but now that I had free time, I began to notice little shit. His phone went wherever he went, if he did leave it, it was always faced down. He became very short with me, not too much conversation, always playing the game, constantly “going out with co workers” and catching random attitudes. One day I said…Hmmm let me just ask him for his phone. I didn’t go through his phone and he knew that, so me asking for it was a complete shock to him. He handed it to me, I unlocked it and he snatched it back. From that moment I knew.. Our marriage would never be the same.

Ladies and gentlemen…. why do we stay after there has been infidelity? Is a relationship truly salvageable after infidelity has taken place? Can you fully trust again?