I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.

I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?

When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.

Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛


ˈself\-ri-ˈflek-shən (Self Reflection)


Welp… Here’s a topic I’ve tried my entire life to avoid. You know the one where I have to reflect on me, and think about everything negative about MYSELF. It’s so easy to point out what’s wrong with everyone else. I mean who really wants to criticize themselves ? NO ONE !

So as I stand here typing this (yes standing, seeing as though I am currently at work with these thoughts), I must self-reflect. I’m no life guru, I’m only putting MY life into perspective…So please read with a cautious eye..

Who Am I?

Naturally, we start off with our life titles.. Example: I am a wife, Husband, mother, student, businessman, career woman.. But is that really all we are? Let me actually define who I am.

::I am a human that has flaws::

MANY flaws to be exact. I have a {Bad Temper} that yes I should seek help for, but I don’t because that will mean I “Really” have a problem. It’s not a life or death temper, but it is something that can hinder any friendship/relationship.

On top of having a bad temper, I’m also insecure. Yep! It’s true. As much as I would LOVE to blame my insecurities on the Ex that cheated, or the girl that stole “MY” man, or even the new standard of beautiful….. I can’t. My insecurities come from “ME”. My insecurities come from the fact that I have longed for things that just aren’t MEANT to be mine.. I’m sure you wanna know what I mean::

  • Long Hair- Funny right since I just cut my hair off.. I guess I was at that point that I knew it would never be the thick and long hair I’d always wanted, so I’d just chop it off and it’d make everything all better… WRONG! Here I am still complaining to Brandon about how short my hair is.  To the point that I’ve worn braids all summer.
  • Big Boobs- Why? No real answer honestly… I figured that’d make anybody want me more. Or any woman envy me more.
  • A bad ass car- I have wanted a range rover for forever..  If you asked me why, I’d say “Because I like it”. I guess I’ve never really thought about that. I mean would I like the expensive ass maintenance? What does it do for me, that my little Chevy Cruze doesn’t? Ooh I know.. Get me more attention. UNNEEDED attention.

I could literally go on all day about this…But the biggest flaw::


One minute I want this…Next minute I want That.. That’s not the issue though. The issue is somehow I believe “That” is better than “This”. My best-friends mom was literally the eye opener for me because I just C A N ‘ T make a damn decision.

  1. I thought moving to Texas would be better than living up north. Although it is, (my opinion) I have found reasons as to why Indiana is better than Texas.
  2. I wanted to be married as much as my husband. So why have I contemplated being single instead of being married.
  3. I’ve been going to school since I started college for Hospitality and Tourism Management, so why in the middle of my college career did I decide I wanted to go to school for marketing, instead of Hospitality and Tourism Management?
  4. Why have I yearned the attention of people that don’t give AF about me?

No matter how many ways I try to write these things, they all seem to come back to my insecurities. I’ll admit:: I’M SCARED! Im scared of everything unknown. I’m scared of making a mistake. I’m scared of making a decision. I’m scared to “FAIL”.

I know who I am now:: I am scared shitless of life, indecisive AF and afraid of failure.




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