I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.


I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?


When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.


Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛

-Malee_Kuh

Just one of those days..

Some days I wake up and I’m just not feeling it. It’s to the point that just laying in bed and doing nothing feels perfect. Sometimes it’s so bad that I don’t want contact with anyone. My mom always told me to stop being so available, and that’s a lesson I have yet to learn. When my phone rings I’m quick to answer and reply to texts. It could be friends, family or whatever new dude I decided to entertain. But recently, the feeling of wanting to be left alone came more and more frequent. People that I would always answer for, would now get the ignore. I mean honestly it wasn’t my fault and before long, the blame came. “Why didn’t you answer me?” “Where have you been”? “I needed to vent to you.” “I NEEDED YOU.” I would see the messages and the guilt of not being mentally available turned into lies..

“Oh I didn’t see it.” “Oh I wasn’t by my phone.” When in reality I just wanted to be left alone. How could I say this without letting everyone down? Somehow I placed my lows on the back burner in order to lift others up…hmmm how does that make sense? I could figuratively be drowning in my own tears and no one would’ve even cared. I mean I truly wouldn’t know that because how could I express to the people that looked to me, that I’m just as broken as them? With no where to go, the breakdowns almost became crippling. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stayed in, windows shut and phone on DND. It’s weird… I found myself to be happy this way.

A couple months ago a new man came into my life and noticed the things about myself no one else did. Not only was I broken and bitter, but I was in such a dark place. Mentally the only place I would go, was inside my own mind. He noticed there was something missing…and he pushed me to seek help. Unfortunately, since there is a new guy in my life, people feel I’ve pushed them away because of him, but in reality everyone has been pushed away. I’ve just made myself available in the midst of all the pain. But now to have someone that will make you put yourself first, it’s almost scary.

Going to see a therapist and her letting me know that I have situational depression was a wake up call. I allowed a season in my life to last longer than it needed to. There have been times when my boyfriend has stopped me from drinking my life away and damn near ruining myself. Working on myself I’ve started getting thicker, as I was small as hell at one point. My hair is starting to grow and my skin is glowing. I’m happier and starting my blog was a way to release a lot of my pain. I say all of this to say this::

People that care about you will understand that you come first. My cousin Ryan had to help me see that certain things aren’t healthy for your life and consistent breaks are needed. If I don’t want to come to your dinner, to the club, or chill on your couch, it’s not you, it’s me. I need time for me. I am broken and I am attempting to become whole. I am not prefect…I can admit that.

/biɡ/ /CHäp/- {Big Chop}



On, August 10th, 2018, I decided to do the big chop. The big chop symbolized so much more than just hair. When other people said that, I thought it was so cliche lmao. But honestly it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. We go through life afraid, and that’s not living at all. My cousin had natural hair back in 2013 and I remember looking at the her and not understanding why she would want to walk around with her hair looking a “mess”. The entire time I was just ignorant in attempting to understand that she was living her life for her and making the best decision for what was naturally hers. When I cut my hair I initially thought it was just for a fresh start, but the meanings became deeper and deeper the longer I wore my natural hair.


Anyone that knows me, knows I love my weave lol. That’s a fact. Wearing weave is just so easy to manage, you just cover up your natural hair and go. But all that I was doing was covering up a mess that I just didn’t feel like dealing with and that’s exactly what I was doing in life. I pretended to be happy and acted as if everything was ok when I talked to my family, but underneath it all I was a mess.

Initially I was scared of ridiculous things like “Will I still be pretty”, or “what will people think.” But the moment the beautician cut all of my hair off and I looked in the mirror, everything that I was feeling completely disappeared. The decision I just made was now something I had to live with and something I had to OWN. I went home, threw on foundation, lashes and found the biggest pair of hoop earrings I could find and I felt like a beautiful African Goddess lol!

Once I posted the picture on Instagram, I received words of encouragement as well as words of concern. People really thought I had to be depressed to cut my hair, when no one knew that my full state of depression had almost happened a year earlier. What everybody was seeing was a woman who was coming to the realization of who she really was. The liberation I felt was unimaginable. I can now make decisions soley based on what I am willing to accept and what I’m not willing to accept. People’s opinions of what they think no longer matter. Anyone can say what they want and feel what they want, but I will always make the decision that’s best for me.


Life is just like the big chop. Instead of covering up what you don’t want to deal with,….. just deal with it lol. The big chop not only symbolized cutting off dead ends of my hair, but also dead ends in my life. Whether those dead ends are family, friends, relationships and so forth, sometimes you just have to cut them off in order to be free.


Don’t get me wrong, I still wear weave lmao I mean I work in corporate America for God sakes and I legit get tired of the “How do you get it like that conversation”. Plus, it has grown much faster being in protective styles that don’t require me to put my non-growing hands in it.

With anything you do in life, you learn to adjust. I adjusted after the big chop, I owned it and I wore it proudly. I vow to apply the big chop scenario to my life as long as I walk this earth. ❤

What are some dead ends in your life that you feel you need to cut off? Why haven’t you cut them off? Comment Below.. And of course..You can remain anonymous.

for·ev·er?¿

wedd067.jpg

Best day of our lives? ABSOLUTELY! Best decision we’ve ever made? HELL NO.. I know, I know…Why so blunt? Because it’s the truth. We became boyfriend and girlfriend in 2013, engaged in 2014 and married May 2016.Do I think that was to soon for a marriage? NOPE. BUT, we were both still really young. Soon after the wedding and the honeymoon, reality began to sink in. Barely taking care of ourselves…How could we possibly know how to successfully love one another and fulfill each others needs? He was 26 and I was 24. We were sooo caught up in being together forever, we lacked the “What does it take to make a marriage work” conversation. This is the one conversation no one had the balls to have with us, instead they volunteered their “I want an invite”, or the infamous “Relationship goals” opinions. We are TWO people that haven’t seen a successful marriage, so we should have been doomed from the start. Both Brandon and I came up with this specific post. We would like to admit a couple of things:

  1. Communication*Our ability to communicate-SUCKS. Yes Present- tense. No openness what so ever. One of us is always “Shutting Down” things we don’t want to hear. Definitely something to work on, yet I must admit, it is an issue.
  2. Attention* One of our biggest flaws is that we have both yearned the attention of others that are NOT our immediate spouse. I would love to blame this on social media, but let’s be serious… That can be silenced…I know it’s possible to not indulge in such negative attention, but the question is- “Are we ready to?”. One year into this marriage, you would think that question would have been answered. But as much as I hate to say it, “It hasn’t.”
  3. Finances* We have both made some simpleminded money mistakes..some before each other and some while we’ve been together. While going through pre-marital counseling I’d listen to how most divorces are over money. I thought how could that be possible, without infidelity anything can be fixed. God, I was so wrong. There have been many times when we may have fell short on bills that we questioned if we could really do this. The answer is YES! “WE” as a unit can, but in that moment, there just doesn’t seem to be a way out.
  4. Infidelity* The “Infidelity plague” has stricken our ONE YEAR MARRIAGE. *REMEMBER* Infidelity does not only involve {SEX}.. It comes in so many forms, that one may not even realize they’re doing it. |Texting/deleting Texts| Sharing vulnerable information|Spending time with the opposite sex outside of your marriage|Hiding things from your spouse| Lying in general| It doesn’t matter who has done it.. [You couldn’t have possibly thought I was gonna say who it was😂😂😂] The problem is that it has happened and we needed to have the ” What are WE going to do about it?” The saying “Time heals all wounds” is both true and false. Although the incident has slipped our minds currently, it does still sit there waiting for the day it can strike again.

When the two people decide get married, both people say their vows and both listen. Often times one of the people, if not both, fall short on the listening and the seriousness of the vows they’ve spoke.

“I Brandon give you
Ebonee, my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
wife. I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
“I Ebonee give you
Brandon my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
husband I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
Let me be the first to admit…we BOTH fell short.
We BOTH have agreed that our vows were our glue to hold us together.
As of 1-9-19…. It wasn’t enough..