I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.

I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?

When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.

Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛


Protect your peace

“They say people in your life are seasons,

And anything that happen is for a reason ” -Kanye West

I’ve finally reached the point where I no longer want to beg someone to stay in my life. If they want to leave.. let them. Remember every person you meet is in your life for a reason and they will all teach you something different. Although every experience hasn’t been pleasant, I needed all of them. I’ve learned how I want to be treated and how not to be treated.

Think about the last person you stopped talking to. Was there a big fall out or did you two just grow apart? Now most importantly…What did you learn? When we are in the middle of a friendship/relationship, we are so focused on making it work that we aren’t seeing the lessons we’re being taught. Typically, if it seems as though you are being “tested” in that friendship/relationship it may be a sign of the end of that season.

We fight so hard to keep situations alive and the more we prolong it, we find ourselves hurt. But why? You will be tested over and over until you’re finally fed up. If someone does not bring you peace, it’s time to part ways.

In physical relationships, this may be a little harder to do and a lot harder to identify. When we are in relationships where feelings are involved, we tend to try to overlook the signs because we like to think of the better times and not what’s truly in front of us. We will push our feelings away so that we are able to hold on to that relationship.

In a close friendship it is typically the same. We love the person we are friends with, we think of all the good times we’ve had with them and try to excuse things that affected us. But when you have to question if this person you are in a relationship with or you’re friends with is truly for you, then it may be time to re-evaluate their position in your life.

I am not saying to go cut off everyone you’ve ever known because I’m sure you’ve been in your feelings about everyone in your life at some point. But what I am saying is take a step back from them and see if it brings you peace. If you find yourself not missing them, did they truly have value in your life?

Just one of those days..

Some days I wake up and I’m just not feeling it. It’s to the point that just laying in bed and doing nothing feels perfect. Sometimes it’s so bad that I don’t want contact with anyone. My mom always told me to stop being so available, and that’s a lesson I have yet to learn. When my phone rings I’m quick to answer and reply to texts. It could be friends, family or whatever new dude I decided to entertain. But recently, the feeling of wanting to be left alone came more and more frequent. People that I would always answer for, would now get the ignore. I mean honestly it wasn’t my fault and before long, the blame came. “Why didn’t you answer me?” “Where have you been”? “I needed to vent to you.” “I NEEDED YOU.” I would see the messages and the guilt of not being mentally available turned into lies..

“Oh I didn’t see it.” “Oh I wasn’t by my phone.” When in reality I just wanted to be left alone. How could I say this without letting everyone down? Somehow I placed my lows on the back burner in order to lift others up…hmmm how does that make sense? I could figuratively be drowning in my own tears and no one would’ve even cared. I mean I truly wouldn’t know that because how could I express to the people that looked to me, that I’m just as broken as them? With no where to go, the breakdowns almost became crippling. I didn’t want to leave the house. I stayed in, windows shut and phone on DND. It’s weird… I found myself to be happy this way.

A couple months ago a new man came into my life and noticed the things about myself no one else did. Not only was I broken and bitter, but I was in such a dark place. Mentally the only place I would go, was inside my own mind. He noticed there was something missing…and he pushed me to seek help. Unfortunately, since there is a new guy in my life, people feel I’ve pushed them away because of him, but in reality everyone has been pushed away. I’ve just made myself available in the midst of all the pain. But now to have someone that will make you put yourself first, it’s almost scary.

Going to see a therapist and her letting me know that I have situational depression was a wake up call. I allowed a season in my life to last longer than it needed to. There have been times when my boyfriend has stopped me from drinking my life away and damn near ruining myself. Working on myself I’ve started getting thicker, as I was small as hell at one point. My hair is starting to grow and my skin is glowing. I’m happier and starting my blog was a way to release a lot of my pain. I say all of this to say this::

People that care about you will understand that you come first. My cousin Ryan had to help me see that certain things aren’t healthy for your life and consistent breaks are needed. If I don’t want to come to your dinner, to the club, or chill on your couch, it’s not you, it’s me. I need time for me. I am broken and I am attempting to become whole. I am not prefect…I can admit that.

/biɡ/ /CHäp/- {Big Chop}

On, August 10th, 2018, I decided to do the big chop. The big chop symbolized so much more than just hair. When other people said that, I thought it was so cliche lmao. But honestly it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. We go through life afraid, and that’s not living at all. My cousin had natural hair back in 2013 and I remember looking at the her and not understanding why she would want to walk around with her hair looking a “mess”. The entire time I was just ignorant in attempting to understand that she was living her life for her and making the best decision for what was naturally hers. When I cut my hair I initially thought it was just for a fresh start, but the meanings became deeper and deeper the longer I wore my natural hair.

Anyone that knows me, knows I love my weave lol. That’s a fact. Wearing weave is just so easy to manage, you just cover up your natural hair and go. But all that I was doing was covering up a mess that I just didn’t feel like dealing with and that’s exactly what I was doing in life. I pretended to be happy and acted as if everything was ok when I talked to my family, but underneath it all I was a mess.

Initially I was scared of ridiculous things like “Will I still be pretty”, or “what will people think.” But the moment the beautician cut all of my hair off and I looked in the mirror, everything that I was feeling completely disappeared. The decision I just made was now something I had to live with and something I had to OWN. I went home, threw on foundation, lashes and found the biggest pair of hoop earrings I could find and I felt like a beautiful African Goddess lol!

Once I posted the picture on Instagram, I received words of encouragement as well as words of concern. People really thought I had to be depressed to cut my hair, when no one knew that my full state of depression had almost happened a year earlier. What everybody was seeing was a woman who was coming to the realization of who she really was. The liberation I felt was unimaginable. I can now make decisions soley based on what I am willing to accept and what I’m not willing to accept. People’s opinions of what they think no longer matter. Anyone can say what they want and feel what they want, but I will always make the decision that’s best for me.

Life is just like the big chop. Instead of covering up what you don’t want to deal with,….. just deal with it lol. The big chop not only symbolized cutting off dead ends of my hair, but also dead ends in my life. Whether those dead ends are family, friends, relationships and so forth, sometimes you just have to cut them off in order to be free.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wear weave lmao I mean I work in corporate America for God sakes and I legit get tired of the “How do you get it like that conversation”. Plus, it has grown much faster being in protective styles that don’t require me to put my non-growing hands in it.

With anything you do in life, you learn to adjust. I adjusted after the big chop, I owned it and I wore it proudly. I vow to apply the big chop scenario to my life as long as I walk this earth. ❤

What are some dead ends in your life that you feel you need to cut off? Why haven’t you cut them off? Comment Below.. And of course..You can remain anonymous.

ˌinfəˈdelədē – Infidelity

“I know you been so through with me
You put up with my foolery
I guess you got so use to me
And my infidelity

And through the bad you saw the better man in me
You picked me up every time they put me down”

-Trey Songz

Me 4 U by Trey Songz literally describes what I dealt with. You give a pass once and it’s almost like you’ve accepted it honestly.

The ultimate demise of our marriage was purely infidelity. When I say I could’ve withstood almost anything……, consistent cheating, just wasn’t one of them. Listen.. We were young, I think I was 21 and he was 23 when we started dating. I was 24 and he was 26 when we got married and we both had a lot of growing up to do. We both had an infidelity issue in 2014 that we agreed to forward from, so I thought. He loved the attention he received from other women, and here I am cheating to get back at him. We both had a talk that other people weren’t what we wanted and we wanted to make the shit work. A year later, here comes a ring..thinking we were completely past the B.S we had dealt with the year prior. 2016 comes and we have a beautiful wedding.. LEGIT everything I dreamed of. I dropped out of college in 2013 and went back in 2016. Purely because I just didn’t want to go school anymore. Once we got married I knew I wanted a better life for the both of us.

I enrolled in school, went to school in the AM and worked in the PM. Most days not getting home until almost 11:30 P.M. Throughout this entire process I knew that my husband was home, and cheering me on, so I thought. We face timed multiple times per day, we talked on the phone and he would come to my job to spend time with me. Knowing that he was bored, lonely, and me feeling guilty for neglecting him, I would try to find different ways to make up for it. I would buy random gifts, cook, take us on trips, come up with new bedroom ideas, just ANYTHING to keep him happy until I could finish school.

Around November of 2016 I quit my job so that I was able to focus on school since my grades started to slack. Idk if I truly didn’t pay him attention because I was working so much but now that I had free time, I began to notice little shit. His phone went wherever he went, if he did leave it, it was always faced down. He became very short with me, not too much conversation, always playing the game, constantly “going out with co workers” and catching random attitudes. One day I said…Hmmm let me just ask him for his phone. I didn’t go through his phone and he knew that, so me asking for it was a complete shock to him. He handed it to me, I unlocked it and he snatched it back. From that moment I knew.. Our marriage would never be the same.

Ladies and gentlemen…. why do we stay after there has been infidelity? Is a relationship truly salvageable after infidelity has taken place? Can you fully trust again?