I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.


I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?


When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.


Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛

-Malee_Kuh

Maybe The, Problem’s Me..

“Lookin’ for the love in somebody else

That I prolly shoulda gave to myself

Cycles I need to break in myself

If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else”

-Big Sean

I look back on the friendships and relationships I’ve had and I’m like damn… I’ve really put other people before myself. I was always TOO available. Anytime someone needed me physically, monetarily or even just mentally I was there. I thought being there for them was a form of love. Doing so I didn’t realize how much that broke me. Not giving myself the same love I provided to others was the worst thing I could do. How can you help others but can’t help yourself? Also, it’s funny that half the time you can’t count on these same people to do the same in return.

When he said “cycles I need to break in myself,” that made me think way deeper than I possibly needed to but shit…here we go. I had a very abusive relationship in high school that my family never knew about… (Sorry y’all had to find out this way) but yeah that happened. After that relationship, I yearned being loved. I yearned love from a man because somehow I thought it validated me, to show me there was nothing wrong with me. Fast forward to me getting married, although the signs were there that he possibly wasn’t the man for me, I ignored it because he finally gave me something I YEARNED and that was to be loved/cared about. I’ve now learned that until I love myself, I will never manifest the love I’m looking for.

This last line is tough… “If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else.” This means I am ALWAYS first. These last couple of months have shown me how necessary it is to be alone. I’ve been able to move at my own pace, without feeling like someone else is affected by my decisions. Also, when you are in a relationship you want that person to completely put you first and when that doesn’t happen, it can make you reflect on your worth. Everyone needs to be alone at some point, so when you allow someone into your space you’ll instantly know if they are bringing you peace or pain.

I had a guy recently ask why I was single and the honest answer is: I’ve never been single. I jumped from one relationship to the next hoping to finally find the love I searched so hard for. Now I am okay with being alone. I can sit in the house for hours listening to music, on my laptop and looking through memes lol. Half the time if anyone calls me, I am in my room in my bed with a bonnet on..I am good where I am in my life right now. I have to love me before I give myself to anyone new. I have been half assed loved so much that it’s easy to spot now. I have been used multiple time for based on how I could help somebody else come up and that shit is draining.

I love being single for the first time in my life…

Internal Conflict

I want to believe my mother and father will live forever, but of course that would be living in a dream. The love they’ve provided me, requires me to raise my guard and protect the better parts of me. How can I let them leave knowing I’m being devalued? Wait, I mean.. devaluing myself, by entertaining somebody that can care less if I’m stressed but quick to ask me why I’m always so pressed.There’s nothing that I want more than to be loved by a man. A forehead kiss, his lips on my thighs, long nights talking, staring into his eyes. But at what price? Multiple: Meaningless, Monotonous. Mundane encounters?

I don’t want to love another woman’s man, or a man who can’t see my worth without me opening my legs. I’m a dope ass woman, and I want to be seen as such. I have too much to offer to to continue to live beneath my own standards. I want him to fall in love with my deep brown skin, my genuine grin and the depth of myself, which is my intellect. Deep conversations, a connection built on expression and never feeling less than. It’s moments when I can inhale…hold and release that will provide the relief of my long days. And hope he will hold me, comfort me and reassure me everything will be ok. I want a man that’s mine, who will put in the time it takes to love the broken me. So I can be the woman that our daughter hopes to grow to be. And our kids can see that a love like mommy and daddy’s is hard to beat. I just want to be real life goals, not for the gram , but eternity 💛

Heal·ing

I haven’t written a blog in some time and let’s just say I was still in desperate need of some healing. I’m human and the one thing I needed to remember was to heal. With healing comes most humans biggest fear.. loneliness. I have tried my hardest to understand why we’re so afraid of being alone. I attempted a relationship for about 6 months and B A B Y, just like my therapist said.,🗣MY ASS WAS NOT READY lol. I still had/have so much aggression in my heart from my marriage and it’s like when the hell does this shit finally go away? Crazy thing is that it won’t disappear until I heal myself. I’ve found myself just having random breakdowns and even though I wanted to stop myself from crying, I knew I just had to let it out. I’ve cried in the car, in the bed, in the shower, mainly anywhere I had time to think which is why I try so hard to stay busy. But who can really keep busy that long? I knew there were things I needed to address that I couldn’t repress any longer.


Again…..healing myself means being alone. I’ve found so much peace and comfort in being alone it’s almost like why TF haven’t I done this sooner? Being in your own thoughts, moving at your own pace and living on your own time is damn near magical. Have you ever went to the movies by yourself or even grabbed food alone? I’ll admit it’s weird AF because as people we naturally want someone else there but it’s hella liberating knowing you can do it alone.


One of the most important pieces of being alone and healing is to have people that support that growth in you. When you have negative ninjas😂 around you that don’t understand the direction you’re trying to take in life, it will knock you back 5 steps. It will completely have you second guessing if you’re making the right decision. My best friend Kayla bought me a book. It’s called “The Power of Being Thankful by Joyce Meyer” and she always buys lil corny stuff that I’m like girl what is this 💀😂. But when she bought me that book it was super dope to me because it’s like you’re supporting my healing and that’s the type of energy needed to finish this journey.


I say all of that to say this:: When you recognize in your life that your shit isn’t right 🗣FIX IT! Stop waiting on the next person to prepare you and convince you that you’re ready. The only thing about healing and fixing yourself is that you have to be mentally ready and fed up with the direction your life is going in. It’s just like being in a toxic relationship. People can tell you everyday to get your life together, but until you’re fed up, it is going to go in one ear and out the other.


My cousin Ryan and I have these deep conversations all the time. I’ll call him about something happening in my life and he will just hit me with the “But you already know what you should do”. I hate when he says that because it’s true. Most of the time we KNOW what decision we should make, but because we are scared to implement the change necessary, we continue living a life we are unhappy in.

From this point forward…No matter what anyone will think, live your life for you.

IT IS YOUR TIME TO HEAL! IT IS YOUR TIME TO LIVE!

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP!

NOW LEAP!!

What aspect of your life do you need healing from?

  • Finances
  • Relationships
  • Abuse
  • Emotions
  • Health
  • Family
  • Trauma

Have you accepted that you need healing? What have you done to begin the healing? What can you do to start healing?

trau·ma

When we first meet someone we are instantly attracted to something physical and if not physical, it’s their personality. We tend to boast about their looks, their career, their body, their smile, and their lifestyle. Many of us take all of these things and imagine a life with them. Time goes on, we meet their family, learn about their past relationships, meet a couple of their close friends and assume we all have it figured out.

Let’s be honest, we are missing by far the HARDEST, yet most important step that almost everyone tends to skip and that’s talking about: Life Trauma. Whether it occurs during childhood or adult life, trauma can be considered:

  • Physical abuse
  • Mental abuse
  • Molestation
  • Rape
  • Bullying
  • Car Accidents
  • Death
  • Mental Illness
  • Separation/Divorce
  • Stress
  • War
  • Poverty
  • Anything that had a life altering effect.

I think we tend to skip this conversation because it’s such a difficult conversation to have. I mean, who really wants to relive a time in their lives that made them feel helpless, hopeless, pain, hurt, or even hate. People can carry this pain with them their entire lives and never talk about it. There have been so many relationships ruined by trauma that the significant other had no idea about. We as people want to appear strong, when we know for a fact that our flesh is weak.


We tend to try to bury our demons deep within us with hope that it never comes out. But let’s be honest, these issues will come to haunt us at some point so why not get ahead of it? In the black community, counseling has always been a form of taboo. No one in most black families like to talk about things that hurt them. This does nothing but create generational issues as we have all seen so many times.

To any man that may be reading this:: Get help king. It does not make you weak to talk to someone about your issues. It does not make you any less of a man. You deserve to heal and you deserve to be free from whatever pain you are harboring.

(Steps anyone can take to start the healing process)

  1. Let me just say that if you haven’t already attempted to seek help, please do. Most companies have programs in place for their employees to seek different mental health treatment options. If you are unsure, contact your HR department and ask about either: Compsych or EAP.
  2. Seeking a counselor/therapist is NOT a weakness, it is actually the strongest thing anyone can do. To be able to acknowledge that we are all not perfect, and that we are ALL dealing with something is very important.
  3. Surround yourself with people that will support you and not down you. Having a support system is probably one of the most important steps in this entire process because they will be the ones to see your progress.

When should this information be shared with your significant other?

  1. Find time for yourself to process everything that was traumatic in your life. Until you are able to confront these traumas yourself, you will never be able to express them to someone else.
  2. Now of course this isn’t a first date conversation, but there’s always a turning point in a relationship when you feel things are getting much more serious.
  3. Make sure it is someone that you can trust and it’s not something that should be shared in EVERY relationship, unless of course you consider all of the relationships serious.

What to do if you’re the person receiving this information?

  1. Have an open mind and don’t judge what they are saying.
  2. Console them and let them know that you are there for them. Remember it’s already a difficult conversation, don’t make them feel any worse than they already do.
  3. Recommend them to seek professional help if they are afraid of the judgement they may receive.

I have been seeing a counselor and it’s one of the best things I could have ever done. I am able to talk about the things that I may never have wanted to reveal to anyone else. It’s pushed me to express myself not only vocally but with my words in this blog. Counseling does not make you crazy, not seeking help can make you crazy.

:Ask yourself:

Does my significant other really know me?

Is there more that I am not telling?

Will I feel a weight lifted off of me if I am able to speak about this?

:Answer this in the comment section below:

Have you and your partner had these difficult conversations? If so, How did it go? If not, why haven’t you discussed these traumas?

/biɡ/ /CHäp/- {Big Chop}



On, August 10th, 2018, I decided to do the big chop. The big chop symbolized so much more than just hair. When other people said that, I thought it was so cliche lmao. But honestly it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. We go through life afraid, and that’s not living at all. My cousin had natural hair back in 2013 and I remember looking at the her and not understanding why she would want to walk around with her hair looking a “mess”. The entire time I was just ignorant in attempting to understand that she was living her life for her and making the best decision for what was naturally hers. When I cut my hair I initially thought it was just for a fresh start, but the meanings became deeper and deeper the longer I wore my natural hair.


Anyone that knows me, knows I love my weave lol. That’s a fact. Wearing weave is just so easy to manage, you just cover up your natural hair and go. But all that I was doing was covering up a mess that I just didn’t feel like dealing with and that’s exactly what I was doing in life. I pretended to be happy and acted as if everything was ok when I talked to my family, but underneath it all I was a mess.

Initially I was scared of ridiculous things like “Will I still be pretty”, or “what will people think.” But the moment the beautician cut all of my hair off and I looked in the mirror, everything that I was feeling completely disappeared. The decision I just made was now something I had to live with and something I had to OWN. I went home, threw on foundation, lashes and found the biggest pair of hoop earrings I could find and I felt like a beautiful African Goddess lol!

Once I posted the picture on Instagram, I received words of encouragement as well as words of concern. People really thought I had to be depressed to cut my hair, when no one knew that my full state of depression had almost happened a year earlier. What everybody was seeing was a woman who was coming to the realization of who she really was. The liberation I felt was unimaginable. I can now make decisions soley based on what I am willing to accept and what I’m not willing to accept. People’s opinions of what they think no longer matter. Anyone can say what they want and feel what they want, but I will always make the decision that’s best for me.


Life is just like the big chop. Instead of covering up what you don’t want to deal with,….. just deal with it lol. The big chop not only symbolized cutting off dead ends of my hair, but also dead ends in my life. Whether those dead ends are family, friends, relationships and so forth, sometimes you just have to cut them off in order to be free.


Don’t get me wrong, I still wear weave lmao I mean I work in corporate America for God sakes and I legit get tired of the “How do you get it like that conversation”. Plus, it has grown much faster being in protective styles that don’t require me to put my non-growing hands in it.

With anything you do in life, you learn to adjust. I adjusted after the big chop, I owned it and I wore it proudly. I vow to apply the big chop scenario to my life as long as I walk this earth. ❤

What are some dead ends in your life that you feel you need to cut off? Why haven’t you cut them off? Comment Below.. And of course..You can remain anonymous.

for·ev·er?¿

wedd067.jpg

Best day of our lives? ABSOLUTELY! Best decision we’ve ever made? HELL NO.. I know, I know…Why so blunt? Because it’s the truth. We became boyfriend and girlfriend in 2013, engaged in 2014 and married May 2016.Do I think that was to soon for a marriage? NOPE. BUT, we were both still really young. Soon after the wedding and the honeymoon, reality began to sink in. Barely taking care of ourselves…How could we possibly know how to successfully love one another and fulfill each others needs? He was 26 and I was 24. We were sooo caught up in being together forever, we lacked the “What does it take to make a marriage work” conversation. This is the one conversation no one had the balls to have with us, instead they volunteered their “I want an invite”, or the infamous “Relationship goals” opinions. We are TWO people that haven’t seen a successful marriage, so we should have been doomed from the start. Both Brandon and I came up with this specific post. We would like to admit a couple of things:

  1. Communication*Our ability to communicate-SUCKS. Yes Present- tense. No openness what so ever. One of us is always “Shutting Down” things we don’t want to hear. Definitely something to work on, yet I must admit, it is an issue.
  2. Attention* One of our biggest flaws is that we have both yearned the attention of others that are NOT our immediate spouse. I would love to blame this on social media, but let’s be serious… That can be silenced…I know it’s possible to not indulge in such negative attention, but the question is- “Are we ready to?”. One year into this marriage, you would think that question would have been answered. But as much as I hate to say it, “It hasn’t.”
  3. Finances* We have both made some simpleminded money mistakes..some before each other and some while we’ve been together. While going through pre-marital counseling I’d listen to how most divorces are over money. I thought how could that be possible, without infidelity anything can be fixed. God, I was so wrong. There have been many times when we may have fell short on bills that we questioned if we could really do this. The answer is YES! “WE” as a unit can, but in that moment, there just doesn’t seem to be a way out.
  4. Infidelity* The “Infidelity plague” has stricken our ONE YEAR MARRIAGE. *REMEMBER* Infidelity does not only involve {SEX}.. It comes in so many forms, that one may not even realize they’re doing it. |Texting/deleting Texts| Sharing vulnerable information|Spending time with the opposite sex outside of your marriage|Hiding things from your spouse| Lying in general| It doesn’t matter who has done it.. [You couldn’t have possibly thought I was gonna say who it was😂😂😂] The problem is that it has happened and we needed to have the ” What are WE going to do about it?” The saying “Time heals all wounds” is both true and false. Although the incident has slipped our minds currently, it does still sit there waiting for the day it can strike again.

When the two people decide get married, both people say their vows and both listen. Often times one of the people, if not both, fall short on the listening and the seriousness of the vows they’ve spoke.

“I Brandon give you
Ebonee, my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
wife. I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
“I Ebonee give you
Brandon my hand, my heart, and my love and take you as my
husband I promise to cherish and respect you, through good
times and bad. I vow, to support and encourage you, and to
grow with you throughout the seasons of our lives”
Let me be the first to admit…we BOTH fell short.
We BOTH have agreed that our vows were our glue to hold us together.
As of 1-9-19…. It wasn’t enough..