I just want to feel something..

Sometimes you just want to feel something.. Oftentimes it doesn’t matter what that something is, just as long as it makes you feel good.

It can be as small as posting an IG picture to get some likes from people that pretend to really rock with you. Or the quick smile you do after checking your phone to see that your favorite toxic person has reached out to you after days of no correspondence. Oh.. and let’s not forget all of the ppl reacting to that slight way funny tweet you made that happened to get you a couple of likes and retweets.. But most importantly the sex that feels great in the moment because of the infamous soul ties.

The most fucked up part of being human and wanting to “feel” something, is the crash and the wanting of more. How many times have you said,“This is the last time?” The last time I post on IG, the last time I text them, the last time I tweet, THE LAST TIME I HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

Question:: How many times will you say it’s the last time, before it’s truly the last time?

We really have to reflect & ask if it’s worth it? Is the crash that I feel, worth the temporary high that I just received? Let’s be honest… we always want more because we always want to “Feel.” This is where I question values… What is it that I value in my life? Is it that instant gratification of likes on IG from hundreds of ppl I don’t know? Or is it spending time with people in real life that really fuck with me? You guessed it.. I like real ppl that really know me.

Recently, I took a break from IG. Removed most of my photos, didn’t post on my story and didn’t like anyone’s posts… & literally only about 10 ppl reached out. Ya girl has over 2,000 followers which really aint shit lol but 10 out of 2,000.. that’s literally .5% 😂😂 #Comedy.

I say ALLLAT.. to say this.. Life is short.. ppl are real life weird and don’t truly care about you. They’re nosey and selfish and want to make sure you are at arms reach at all times. Stop wanting to “just feel” something. If you want to feel something, let it be something that fuels you, pours into you and leaves you full. We’re too easily satisfied which causes us to yearn for more. “Don’t allow minuscule moments, to overshadow vital needs”. 💛

Vulnerability

vul·ner·a·bil·i ·ty noun

  1. the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

It’s lightening outside right now, I have my favorite bath and body works peach Bellini candle burning, while listening to “Tell Him”, by Ms. Lauryn Hill. As I’m listening to the lyrics, I’m realizing how hard it is for me to do the things she is saying in the song because it requires me to open up, and potentially be exposed to hurt.

When she says, “Tell him I need him, tell him I love him,”…..I didn’t sing that part lol. I believe parts of me never wants to feel love again. To completely expose yourself to someone, I mean let them know your life traumas, insecurities, fears, and feelings comes with the possibility of being broken.

I’ve had multiple men tell me I’m not vulnerable enough. Apparently I’m very closed off, and hard to read and it really isn’t shocking news. Idk how to express myself without feeling weak anymore. I can have the strongest feelings for someone and never tell them because of fear of being broken by them or them walking away. Listen… when you’ve expressed feelings and someone else just brushes it off…it can turn you into a cold bitch.

I tried a relationship last year and it was a fucking disaster lmaooooo! I could just tell I wasn’t giving my all to him. I didn’t open up to him and just let him know me at the surface level. Literally what he saw, was what he got. No deep talks, no late night car rides sharing my vision with him..he received who I was at that moment & I knew it wasn’t going to last.

I can’t even cuddle forreal anymore because it puts me in such a vulnerable position 🥴. I used to ask this dude to come cuddle with me and he’s like “bro, you cuddle for 5 minutes then roll back to your side.” I never felt so judged, but the shit was true. To lay on a mans chest, and allow them to hold me (again a vulnerable position) takes a lot of trust….

I talked to my cousin Ryan and told him that all week I had been working on opening my heart chakra. Although it may sound cliche to some, it’s truly working for me. For those that don’t know, the heart chakra:

The heart chakra is associated with compassion, affection, and love. The energy of the heart chakra starts in the center and expands through the chest. This chakra connects the lower and upper chakra, acting as a bridge between earthly matters and higher aspirations.

Signs of balance: The ability to openly give and receive love

Signs of imbalance: The inability to love yourself and others, hatred, depression, grief, selfishness, and jealousy

What blocks the heart chakra: Things like stress and emotional pain — usually caused by bad memories, old programming, emotions, and/or overthinking — can block your heart chakra, and make it difficult for you to form and hold onto healthy relationships.

Opening the heart chakra:

  1. Burn candles, incense or use essential oils.
  2. Repeat positive affirmations about love toward healing by breaking old patterns and directing behaviors in a new direction.
  3. Yoga poses such as the upward facing dog, camel, and bridge drive the chest toward the sky and open the heart.
  4. Using healing stones like rose quartz, jade, green calcite, green tourmaline, or green aventurine to unblock the heart chakra and attract love energy.
  5. Turn negative thoughts regarding love into positive ones.
Ultimately, I want to be vulnerable and trust someone else with all of me. It will just take someone with patience, an understanding of the pain I’ve endured and have a strong love for me, for me to be vulnerable again….

I hope that if anyone is struggling with love, you are able to open your heart again. I hope that compassion, trust and vulnerability finds you and keeps you grounded. 💛

& Just like that 💫

And just like that…. I gave up on the emotionally unavailable. I gave up on those men that left me yearning more. The ones I considered a mystery. The ones I felt the constant need to fix. Those that could never love me on a level that I needed to be loved. Those that put me in positions to question if what I felt was morally right.


I had to question my level of insecurities. What was it about someone that kept me broken, with no ability to heal me, consistently held me there? How would I finally find my peace of mind. What prevented me from officially walking away and blocking them to gain my power back?


When we remember the good times it makes it that much more difficult to see something for what it really is. For who they truly are. How did I not see the selfishness. “I don’t want you, but no one else can either”.. The fuck? Tunnel vision, is similar to a black hole. It only goes one direction and it’s easy to get lost. We decide what we allow, and I’m tired. To block you, only hurts me. I’ll never see your name, hear your ringtone or hear the influx of your baritone. But my sanity is what I want more. The memories, just set me free.


Telling myself, I deserve more. I’ve earned more. Beloved, be loved & to be loved are your new goals. Have an outward outlook on what it took to get you to this space. Having Patience & not be a patient to the ill confused thoughts of your mind! Be kind to yourself! Don’t be blind or deny your journey. You’re worthy and worth it. Don’t forget it 💛

-Malee_Kuh

Maybe The, Problem’s Me..

“Lookin’ for the love in somebody else

That I prolly shoulda gave to myself

Cycles I need to break in myself

If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else”

-Big Sean

I look back on the friendships and relationships I’ve had and I’m like damn… I’ve really put other people before myself. I was always TOO available. Anytime someone needed me physically, monetarily or even just mentally I was there. I thought being there for them was a form of love. Doing so I didn’t realize how much that broke me. Not giving myself the same love I provided to others was the worst thing I could do. How can you help others but can’t help yourself? Also, it’s funny that half the time you can’t count on these same people to do the same in return.

When he said “cycles I need to break in myself,” that made me think way deeper than I possibly needed to but shit…here we go. I had a very abusive relationship in high school that my family never knew about… (Sorry y’all had to find out this way) but yeah that happened. After that relationship, I yearned being loved. I yearned love from a man because somehow I thought it validated me, to show me there was nothing wrong with me. Fast forward to me getting married, although the signs were there that he possibly wasn’t the man for me, I ignored it because he finally gave me something I YEARNED and that was to be loved/cared about. I’ve now learned that until I love myself, I will never manifest the love I’m looking for.

This last line is tough… “If I’m alone, I’m second to no one else.” This means I am ALWAYS first. These last couple of months have shown me how necessary it is to be alone. I’ve been able to move at my own pace, without feeling like someone else is affected by my decisions. Also, when you are in a relationship you want that person to completely put you first and when that doesn’t happen, it can make you reflect on your worth. Everyone needs to be alone at some point, so when you allow someone into your space you’ll instantly know if they are bringing you peace or pain.

I had a guy recently ask why I was single and the honest answer is: I’ve never been single. I jumped from one relationship to the next hoping to finally find the love I searched so hard for. Now I am okay with being alone. I can sit in the house for hours listening to music, on my laptop and looking through memes lol. Half the time if anyone calls me, I am in my room in my bed with a bonnet on..I am good where I am in my life right now. I have to love me before I give myself to anyone new. I have been half assed loved so much that it’s easy to spot now. I have been used multiple time for based on how I could help somebody else come up and that shit is draining.

I love being single for the first time in my life…

Heal·ing

I haven’t written a blog in some time and let’s just say I was still in desperate need of some healing. I’m human and the one thing I needed to remember was to heal. With healing comes most humans biggest fear.. loneliness. I have tried my hardest to understand why we’re so afraid of being alone. I attempted a relationship for about 6 months and B A B Y, just like my therapist said.,🗣MY ASS WAS NOT READY lol. I still had/have so much aggression in my heart from my marriage and it’s like when the hell does this shit finally go away? Crazy thing is that it won’t disappear until I heal myself. I’ve found myself just having random breakdowns and even though I wanted to stop myself from crying, I knew I just had to let it out. I’ve cried in the car, in the bed, in the shower, mainly anywhere I had time to think which is why I try so hard to stay busy. But who can really keep busy that long? I knew there were things I needed to address that I couldn’t repress any longer.


Again…..healing myself means being alone. I’ve found so much peace and comfort in being alone it’s almost like why TF haven’t I done this sooner? Being in your own thoughts, moving at your own pace and living on your own time is damn near magical. Have you ever went to the movies by yourself or even grabbed food alone? I’ll admit it’s weird AF because as people we naturally want someone else there but it’s hella liberating knowing you can do it alone.


One of the most important pieces of being alone and healing is to have people that support that growth in you. When you have negative ninjas😂 around you that don’t understand the direction you’re trying to take in life, it will knock you back 5 steps. It will completely have you second guessing if you’re making the right decision. My best friend Kayla bought me a book. It’s called “The Power of Being Thankful by Joyce Meyer” and she always buys lil corny stuff that I’m like girl what is this 💀😂. But when she bought me that book it was super dope to me because it’s like you’re supporting my healing and that’s the type of energy needed to finish this journey.


I say all of that to say this:: When you recognize in your life that your shit isn’t right 🗣FIX IT! Stop waiting on the next person to prepare you and convince you that you’re ready. The only thing about healing and fixing yourself is that you have to be mentally ready and fed up with the direction your life is going in. It’s just like being in a toxic relationship. People can tell you everyday to get your life together, but until you’re fed up, it is going to go in one ear and out the other.


My cousin Ryan and I have these deep conversations all the time. I’ll call him about something happening in my life and he will just hit me with the “But you already know what you should do”. I hate when he says that because it’s true. Most of the time we KNOW what decision we should make, but because we are scared to implement the change necessary, we continue living a life we are unhappy in.

From this point forward…No matter what anyone will think, live your life for you.

IT IS YOUR TIME TO HEAL! IT IS YOUR TIME TO LIVE!

TAKE THAT FIRST STEP!

NOW LEAP!!

What aspect of your life do you need healing from?

  • Finances
  • Relationships
  • Abuse
  • Emotions
  • Health
  • Family
  • Trauma

Have you accepted that you need healing? What have you done to begin the healing? What can you do to start healing?

Poisons of a woman’s mouth

Poison…

Release that poison…

“YOU’RE A STUPID ASS!”

“YOU’RE A DUMB MOTHERFUC*ER!”

“YOU AIN’T SHIT, AIN’T NEVER GONNA BE SHIT!”

The venom shoots like jets from the mouth..

That vile compilation of words that can never be retracted.

It seems he just doesn’t understand

“LISTEN TO ME NIGGA, YOU’LL NEVER BE RESPECTED”

The sharpening and shrieking sounds of your voice, makes him cringe with every hiss.

“LEAVE, GET OUT. I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT”

Oh yeah, just kill that ego,

So he can leave, and you can start to wonder where he-go..

Nag, baby girl nag…

So he can go brag to the next, and ask her to relieve that stress..

I digress

“THESE NIGGAS AIN’T SHIT”

We swear we know this to be true…

But baby baby girl who’s more “AIN’T SHIT” than you?

This man probably wasn’t a man when he got with you.

You just swear you saw a light within him that needed to be pushed through.

That venom that you’re spitting ain’t it.. there must be another way.

Just look him in his face, “OPEN THAT MOUTH WIDE”

NOW:: Start to pray

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord;
    keep watch over the door of my lips.”

He’s your man, not your son.

Do you understand how much damage you’ve done?

I plead to you my queen…

Let that poison be done

-Ebonee  Huff

This is a poem that I wrote, and again everything is my truth. The truth hurts and reading this over and over makes me see things clearer. As a woman, I don’t understand what daily struggles my man has. It’s almost as if I dont care to know. I just want things done my way, on my time, whenever I think it’s best. I’m learning to grow one day at a time. It literally takes some soul searching to really understand.

LADIES::When’s the last time you’ve really appreciated your man? I mean literally went a full day without nagging? Of course we think it’s hard to do because they didn’t do something we’ve asked them to.  Think about it.

“Who can really make your man feel better than you?” No one, just you….